Well, I just joined this site. So I'm slowly learning how to use it. Well here it goes my first blog on this site. I live with my boyfriend Terry. We have been together for almost 10 months now. I can't believe how long its been. It feels like it was just last month that we got together. We get along quite well even though we have had our differences...but we have worked really hard to get passed them.
I can't believe how fast this year has gone by. Its almost Christmas and not only that but I'll be turning 24 on December 20th. I'm getting old...LOL!!! There has been so much shit that has happened within the past year. Some of it has been bad and some has been good. I have lost a couple of family members in the past year. First when my Grandma last year in November, just before Thanksgiving, and my Uncle past away this past September. I miss them both alot!!! I have also come to realize that some of the people that I have become friends with, aren't really my true friends. Its sad to believe that it has taken me this long to realize it. I don't know who I can trust or not anymore. I do have some that haven't let me down, and I hope they never do. I have also become friends with people who I have battled with in my past. I am so happy that the drama with those people have come to an end.
Over the past 5 years, I have depended on myself with making my own decisions. I did what I wanted to, went where I wanted to, talked to whoever I wanted to, and bought whatever I wanted to. I have struggled so much this year with finances. And with being in a new relationship, you have to change your habits. Before I started dating Terry, I was in the bar alot. I didn't drink all the time, but it was where my friends where and I wanted to be where they were. I don't do that anymore. I barely go out on the weekends anymore. Its not a bad thing either. I don't do well with changes, but I have to make that change. I'm trying so hard not to go out on the weekends anymore, because it really saves money, and I don't have to deal with the drama that is there. Some people don't know how to let things go, and it causes problems. Not only that, but Terry's daughter is coming to live with us soon, and I want to be a good role model for her.
I have also realized that I am not the same person that I was a year ago. I have changed a lot. I don't talk to people as much as I used to. I don't go places and do things like I used to. I never have had money problems like I do now. I am stressed out and really depressed about it, because there isn't much I can do about it. I am trying so hard to find a better paying job, but its not working my way. I love Terry with all my heart, and I am happy that I'm in this relationship with him, but I never realized how much you have to give up when you get into a serious relationship. Its a big change that I have been dealing with since the day I moved into this apartment with him. I am trying so hard to accept it. With the Christmas Holidays coming up, I am trying to figure out how the hell I am gonna get my car fixed, and buy anything for anybody. I have the biggest piece of shit of a car. It can't go 2 weeks, without something needing replaced. I can't afford the one that I have or even get a new one. Its stressful, and it really depresses me. I am to the point where I don't want anybody buying anything for me, because I don't know if I can give anything back in return. With everything going on, I get upset over the smallest things. Terry can talk to me about something simple, and I take it completely different, and I find myself crying over it, and he doesn't even mean to upset me.. I don't know what is wrong or what even happened to me. I don't know how many times a week that I find myself crying. I want things to go back to the way things were when Terry and I first got together. Things were almost perfect then. I'm trying to get back to that point, but its hard.
Another thing that upsets me a lot is my Father. My parents have been divorced for over 10 years now. Yeah, most people's parents are separated, but at least they get to have a good relationship with their Fathers. I have tried to have a good one with mine. The only times I ever talk to him is when I'm down at my parent's house and he happens to call, or when he's down for my brother's baseball games. Or whenever its his birthday or Fathers Day. I have given him my phone number 5 times now. Do you think he'd call me???? No!!!! That's the way its always been. He calls my brothers all the time. Even when I lived with my mom and he'd happen to call, the first person he would ask for was my brother Joel. Then he'd ask to talk to my youngest brother Justin. I was always the last person he asked to talk to. I talked to him on Thanksgiving, only because I was at my parents for Thanksgiving. He was like "Wow, I haven't talked to you since like April." Yeah, cuz I called him to wish him a Happy Birthday. Even on Fathers Day, I called him to wish him Happy Fathers Day, but I got his answering machine. He never returned my call to say Thank You or anything. Before he left my mom, I was Daddy's little girl. But that all changed after he left, and started taking his and my mom's divorce and child support battles out on my brothers and I. Like it was our fault that he decided to cheat on my mom. It was so bad that my mom had to force us to go to his house. We hated going. We would give up our plans for the weekend to go see him. There were a lot of times where Friday nights would come, and he'd never show or he'd call at the last minute and tell us that we can't come up. After awhile it got old, and my mom finally decided to let us go when we wanted to. It upsets me that his boys come before I do. It shouldn't be that way. It should be equal. Nobody should come before one another. He has missed out on a lot. He doesn't know about half the shit that I've been through. He doesn't even know my interests. He knows all about my brothers' lives though. I guess one day he called my brother and told him to have me call him. Um...no...I feel that if he wants to talk and find out what I'm up to, then he can call me. I've only given my phone number like 5 times. I guess he moved out of his apartment. I don't know where he is living now. All I know is that he lives in Jamestown NY somewhere.
I guess I was just lucky enough to have a good mother and grandparents to support me through my decisions. Some of them weren't the best decisions, but they still supported me and let me know that they were there for me. My Grandfather is more of a Father to me than my own. My mom got remarried to Paul, but I never thought of him as a Father. Yeah, he's my step father, but I didn't have that bond with him like I wanted with my OWN Father.
Well I think I have had enough venting for one night. I think it is time for bed. It is WAYYY past my bed time. Thank you to those who take the time to read this. Good night.
